/law/ is a board on 420chan where legal issues are discussed. It is distinct from /pol/ in that only the current state of laws is usually discussed, and topics tend to deviate more towards legal advice and information seeking than a general discussion of government and what the law should be. People who regularly post on /law/ are known as /law/yers.
- Never consent to a search
- Never consent to a search
- Never consent to a search
- State loudly and clearly that you do not consent to a search
- Do not explain or justify your actions at any time.
- The only things of substance you should ever say to the police are, "am I being detained or am I free to go", "is that an order or a request", "I do not consent to a search", and "I would like a lawyer".
- Doing stupid things gets you into more trouble. For example, a person speeding around, driving recklessly will have more encounters with police than a person driving around the speed limit and being a polite and seemingly law abiding citizen.
- The best defense is not being prosecuted.
- If you're asking for legal advice, say what jurisdiction you're in.
Talking to a /law/yer
When talking to a /law/yer (or for that matter, a lawyer) there are several things to keep in mind to get the best answer quickly. There are also several easy mistakes to make that can make the conversation about your legal troubles a headache for you, and your /law/yer; since your legal problems are already a huge dickbite for everyone involved, this section seeks to mitigate the headaches caused by relieving your dickbite.
Be sure to include your jurisdiction when talking to a /law/yer. Jurisdiction is both hierarchical and geographical. The scene or location of the crime you are accused of, in relation to law enforcement provides the geographical factor. The hierarchical factor of jurisdiction is related to the severity of the crime you are accused of committing-parking meter maids cannot arrest you for smuggling cocaine into the country, and FBI agents cannot write you a parking ticket for an expired meter. If you have been charged with a crime, you should get a ticket or a citation of some kind that lists the arresting body and the specific crime you are being charged with (and usually an explanation of why you are being charged with that crime). It is extremely helpful if you are as clear as possible when communicating your jurisdiction; don't say hey /law/ gots arrested 4 da weeds wat do say, /law/, I was arrested earlier today for possession of weed in Polk County, Iowa by the Polk County Sheriff's department. wat do? or, even better, say dear /law/, on or about the 30th of august, 2009 in Polk County, in the state of Iowa, I (the defendant) was arrested by West Des Moines police officers (the dickbiters) for false reporting (Iowa Code 718.6(1)(b) and have been ordered to appear in county court on 08/07/09. I have been released on my own recognizance until the court date. Please advise promptly-your correspondence is always felicitous.
Don't Lie to your /law/yer
It doesn't matter how good your lawyer is or how smart that white boy on the other computer is, if you lie or omit events, you will get fucked by the prosecutor. Look at it this way, the police aren't going to forget to tell the prosecutor anything, and they certainly won't omit anything (but they sure might make shit up to make you look bad), why would you? Also, your lawyer can't disclose anything you say to the police (attorney-client privilege). So tell your lawyer the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Be clear and articulate, and have as many specifics as possible (names/badge #s of police officers, times/dates, specific locations, etc.) to help your lawyer understand EXACTLY what happened.
Learn the Lingo
Court dates are different. In order of appearance you will have a(n): Initial Appearance, Arraignment, Pre-Trial Conference, Trial. Don't say i has da cort taday say I have my initial appearance next thursday. Also, unless you are held overnight and are seeing the judge first thing in the morning, there is no reason you can't talk to /law/ at least a week out. Some other key terms:
- Prosecutor (also known as: District Attorney, County Attorney): This is the guy representing the people trying to fuck you.
- Defense: This is you and your attorney.
- Evidence: that bag of weed they took from you? That's evidence.
- Civil: This refers to an issue that is not criminal.
- Criminal: This refers to an issue that is not civil
- Plaintiff: The complainant in a civil case. The guy suing you for all your money.
Below are some common topics in /law/. While any /law/yer will probably tell you that each case is unique and special (mommy was right), a brief overview of the generalities will better prepare you to speak with such legal masterminds so they can help you more effectively.
How do I get away with crime "x"?
The short answer is, you don't. The conviction rate in the United States is almost flawless. That means that the government wins almost every time in court. The smartest criminals are never caught, and the smartest way to not get caught is to make sure no one knows a crime happened. This is obviously the best tactic for getting away with a crime because it is the way the government gets away with crime (murdering people, holding people against their will, "indefinite detention or rendition", etc.). The second best way to not get caught is to not be implicated in a crime. This is incredibly difficult. Forensic science has become unbelievably successful. There are virtually no cases where some amount of forensic evidence cannot be discovered and used to determine the perpetrator of a crime. On the likely chance that you are caught after your crime, you should immediately employ a skilled and professional IRL lawyer to assassinate the Police for you. Although forensic science can often point to a suspect as the perpetrator, it doesn't always prove guilt. As long as you can minimize the evidence the prosecution has, your chances of never being charged or convicted skyrocket. Finally, assuming that you were completely retarded about this and posted your intent on /law/, the police will get lots of evidence against you and take you to court. It is almost certain that you will be found guilty and will rot in prison forever, but you still have several options. First, hire a better lawyer. After that, let him do the work and suck your jury foreman's cock.
I committed crime "x", what is the punishment for that?
We don't know. It's very hard to know what kind of sentence you might get for your crime, especially if you plead out. As a simple rule of thumb, "misdemeanors" can never put you in jail for more than 364 consecutive days, while "felonies" can land you in prison for at least 365 days. We also cannot tell you what your court costs, fees, fines, expenses, or alimony will total. It's not that we don't know (yes it is), it's that we don't give a shit.
Is cannabis legal if you use it for religious reasons?
Not in the United States. Current precedent on the subject in the US is Employment Division v. Smith (which was decided by the Supreme Court of the United States or SCOTUS). Smith holds that states have the power to create religious exceptions in standing laws, but are in no way obligated to do so. Although if you move to Guam you can use the herb for religious purposes. Most European countries also do not make a legal exception for religious use of cannabis. It is also worth noting that in situations where a religious exception has been made in law, it is usually incumbent on the defendant to affirmatively prove that their otherwise illegal activity was done for bona fide religious purposes. Ultimately, you should be arguing for general decriminalization or legalization instead of wishing that you could just pretend to be a rasta at court so you and your friends can get away with toking in your car in the park.
I'm 25 and dating a 14 year old girl and she wants to have sex. Will I go to jail for this?
Probably. You're also probably a sick disgusting old pedo who is over 50 and planning to rape a 9 year old girl, but that's irrelevant. Unless you are both over the age of 18, you are running a serious risk of getting accused of rape (this is because minors do not have the legal right to consent to sex). There are several websites that list the laws of each state and the age of consent. There are also such things as Romeo and Juliet laws that allow for couples close in age to continue fucking even if one is over the age of consent and the other isn't, but these vary from state to state.
How do I launder money?
One of the primary problems associated with operating a business of questionable legality is the intrusive eye of the IRS. In general, the IRS will want to know how you have more money or net worth (property + assets + expenses) than you should (according to your W-2 forms). This can create legal headaches without the question of drugs ever coming into play. If you fail to report a noticeable amount of your income, the IRS will probably audit you to find out how much money you have and how you get your money. If they discover that you did not pay taxes on more than $1000 in income, you will be fined and will have to pay taxes on that income. Of course, the IRS will probably tip off the DEA that you are probably dealing drugs, so you will probably end up under investigation by the DEA shortly after your trouble with the IRS. This humongous ass raping by The Man is best avoided; thus was laundering invented. The idea behind money laundering is to conceal the illegal source of income by incorporating it with legal income. Depending on your level of illegal income, there are several methods to launder your money. At the lowest level of illegal income, you can get away with being employed as a waiter, bartender, or some other tipped job. This allows you to claim a portion of your illegal income as "tips" as part of your income in your W-2. As your illegal income increases, you may want to consider opening a stall in a flea market to sell cheap merchandise. This allows you to claim any random amount as "sales" on your taxes and eliminates any unwanted speculation into the source of your income. The problem with this sort of laundering is that you need to have product to buy and sell, although this is mostly a minor issue. At the same level of illegal income, you could become self-employed (or pretend to be self-employed) and operate a business providing a service (such as mowing lawns, repairing computers, selling drugs, walking dogs, etc.) and reporting the "income" to the IRS. The problem with this method of laundering is the need to falsify customers or charges, but again, this is primarily a minor issue. If you find that your illegal income is becoming more like a river than a steady trickle, it may be time to consider opening a front business (such as a laundromat) and simply mixing your illegal income into your legal income. This is an extremely expensive step but will increase your income exponentially. Service businesses (laundromats, etc) are still better than merchandise or product based businesses (such as convenience stores) because it is harder to prove you falsified income in a service based business. Once your criminal empire reaches such levels, you should consider putting a lawyer on retainer for legal protection and advice. You should also begin exploring ways to conceal your assets in places such as overseas banks.
Or you could just incorporate a "Consulting Firm" as your business and just list people who bought illegal products from you as clients. Heck doing this you could even accept Visa and Mastercard if you want. This is the easiest way to launder money.
I want to sue someone for "x" in small claims court-how?
To file a lawsuit against someone, speak with the clerk of the court at your county courthouse. It will probably cost you $50. For further advice, speak to a lawyer or speak to a /law/yer as each case will require you to compile different evidence to prove your case.
I'm being sued for "x" in small claims court, what do I do?
Hire a lawyer, it's likely that the plaintiff (the guy suing you) hasn't hired a lawyer and you will probably win. Oftentimes if you win you can force the plaintiff to pay your legal expenses.
I Don't Have to Pay the Income Tax
Yes you do. Stop trolling/being retarded and pay your taxes.
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